Drown in My Desire for You
by parisnights
Summary: "He lies back down and squeezes her hand tighter as if to say that in some unusual, twisted, sad way, he's still hers and she's still his... But he isn't and she isn't, not anymore." / Elavan. And Zoey.


I didn't want to write this because I feel so bad for not updating I Say You the Bestest but I couldn't help it. Liz's tweets about all those sad songs got me thinking and I re-watched all those old interviews and everything just started making sense in my twisted fangirl head and I don't want to jump to conclusions but omg if what I'm thinking is true then I don't know, I might faint or something.

And I'm freaking out 'cause Avan tweeted about being in Brooklyn this weekend and then Liz tweets about flying to NY. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT. Lol I'm creating such a big issue here, don't mind me. I'm sure they don't mean to be in the same city at the same time. ;) HA!

Anyway, enjoy whatever this is I came up with in less than an hour at four in the morning! Inspired by I'm the Only One by Melissa Etheridge. (subtle hints of sex and a "bad word" somewhere in that 2029-word mess.)

I own nothing!

* * *

**DROWN IN MY DESIRE FOR YOU**

He takes her there, to that ultimate high and it feels like she's out of her body with pleasure and happiness and satisfaction. The satisfaction from being clutched tightly in his tan toned arms and being showered with kisses, kisses and more kisses. The satisfaction from knowing that in that moment, when he watches her writhing, crazed and completely uninhibited, he was hers and she was his. And she's high in that moment.

But the inevitable low comes when they both finish and he pulls away. No longer watching her, no longer showering her heated body with his kisses, kisses and more kisses. He rolls over to the other side of the bed and suddenly there's a huge gap between them and she feels cold and alone without his touch.

They're both lying on their backs, looking up at the white ceiling because it somehow becomes very interesting to both of them. And because he can't look at her and she can't look at him. And it's killing her because it hurts to know that right then he isn't hers and she isn't his anymore. That when they're no longer physically connected, they're no longer connected at all.

She feels him reaching out to grab her pale cold hand and it almost makes her cry because she knows it's the last time she'll have him like this. Because this time it's really over and he has _her _now.

And she doesn't know what to do because in the time she's known him, he's never had anyone else but her and she feels confused and betrayed and replaced. And she feels needy. She hates feeling needy but he does that to her sometimes, make her feel things she doesn't want to feel.

She's brought out of her thoughts when his thumb starts rubbing her knuckles and she takes in a deep breath because she'll miss this. She'll miss having him like this.

He sits up and grabs the blanket from the foot of her bed and pulls it up to cover their naked bodies but he doesn't let go of her hand. He makes sure she's warm before he lies back down and squeezes her hand tighter as if to say that in some unusual, twisted, sad way, he's still hers and she's still his.

But he isn't and she isn't, not anymore.

* * *

It's been weeks and she's seen him at work. They act normal. Well as normal as they can be with a heavy cloud of suppressed emotions and words left unsaid looming over their heads. But no one else knows and no one else can know so they hide everything because someone - _she_ - can get hurt. It helps that they're both actors.

They're out with their cast mates at some Chinese restaurant for dinner but it wasn't just any dinner. It was the dinner he was hosting so they could meet _her_ - his (new) girlfriend. She doesn't think it's a good idea for her to be joining them but bailing would be quite suspicious and she doesn't want to blow the secret she's held so close to her heart for so long.

She's perfect, the new girl. She's tall and thin and pale and beautiful and she sees how he would be attracted to her. She's smart and nice and - god did she have even a single flaw? Everyone loves her. Everyone loves her for him and they think they're a great couple. It makes her sick to her stomach.

She can only take so much so when she kisses him right in front of her, she excuses herself, saying she has to go take a wazz. (Yes, she used wazz in a normal everyday real-life conversation. She was that dazed.)

She reaches the ladies' room only to find her best friend standing right behind her with her synthetically red hair shining under the bathroom's weird lighting. She breaks down because it feels real now. He isn't hers anymore and she isn't his. And she wants - _needs_ - her best friend now more than ever.

Ariana knows. She didn't tell her but she knows her and she knows him and she knows how everything's changed. She hugs her and she hugs back and they stay that way for the longest time, not saying a word until an old Chinese lady barges right in and kicks them out.

* * *

He's watching her the whole time, her face, her reaction. He sees her fighting to keep quiet and trying her best not to show any emotion at all as if in that moment they're on set and she's Jade and she's cold and aloof and very much in character.

But Zoey suddenly reaches for his face and turns it and pushes her lips against his and it makes him feel uncomfortable and hurt because he knows that probably hurt her. And he sees that it does when he pulls away and sneaks a sideway glance at her wide blue eyes and slightly open mouth. She looks like she's about to vomit all over her pretty black dress and then cry big fat tears and he feels like he's the worst person in the world.

She excuses herself saying she has to take a wazz but he knows that isn't true of course. He wants to go after her and tell her he didn't enjoy that kiss, that Zoey isn't nearly as important as she is to him, that she was still his and he was still hers but he couldn't because he didn't want to hurt Zoey more than he has to. He's already using her to try and forget the girl who just ran to the restroom, the least he could do is try to be nice to her.

He doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. Why he's pushing her away by dating Zoey, why he thinks she'll be able to replace the girl who's made her way deep into his heart and his mind and his body and his soul and his whole being, why he thinks anyone who's not her will make him really happy.

He sees her and Ariana walking back to their table. It looks like nothing happened but he knows her better than he knows himself and only he can notice how unlike herself she is tonight and how upset she really is.

"I think Liz and I better head home. It's getting kinda late."

And he watches her leave with Ariana and she doesn't even look back at him. Why would she though? She was no longer his after all.

* * *

"I think we should have a sleepover. You wanna, Liz?"

She knows her best friend's trying and she appreciates it really, but right now all she wants to do is go home to her house and lie in the bed that still smells like him, curl into a ball and cry her eyes out until she can't see anymore. Maybe then she can un-see that stupid kiss. But she can't because it's right there at the forefront of her jumbled mind and she feels like she'll never forget something as heartbreaking as that.

"We can watch Rent! And make covers! We can do a full official cover of Take Me or Leave Me!"

She doesn't reply because as grateful as she is to have Ariana, sometimes she just wants her to stop talking so loud especially then in the small space that is her car.

"I'm not leaving you alone, Liz. Not tonight, not right now."

She takes her up on that offer because even if she lost him, she still has her best friend.

* * *

The weeks turn into months and she's feeling better. (Or trying to feel better.) She tries to distract herself with work and friends and her music but sometimes something comes up and it makes her think about him, when he told her he found someone else, someone new and she'll cry because it does still hurt no matter how much she denies it.

Sometimes she sees some of his tweets and some of hers, ones where they're talking about things only they can understand and she remembers how that used to be them but then she catches herself and closes their profiles, takes a deep breath and steps away from whatever gadget she was previously using to observe (she doesn't stalk) them.

But it's worse when she sees pictures, especially that one during his birthday. He spent his birthday with her and his family. Even she hasn't had that much time with his family yet and they had been having an on and off thing for more than a year. She feels mad and sad and hate but not hate because, really, how could she hate him? But it hurts and she figures maybe it will always hurt.

And just when she starts getting used to it, to the pain and trying to distract herself and making herself and other people believe she was fine, he shows up at her doorstep telling her they broke up. And she thinks maybe, just maybe, he can be hers and she can be his again.

* * *

He walks out of her house feeling relieved. He shouldn't, he knows. He should feel upset but he doesn't and he's not even surprised. Because he knows this was gonna happen sooner or later. It wasn't real, at least not for him.

It's not that Zoey isn't a great girl. She is but she's not her and she doesn't get him like she does, doesn't know him like she does, doesn't understand him like she does. It's wrong that he compares them so much but he thinks from the very start of his relationship with Zoey, he knew she wasn't going to even come close. He knew because he was only settling for her after all, like second best since he felt then that he couldn't have the real thing because it scared him to think it might ruin their friendship and working relationship and the show.

So of course driving to her house is the first thing he does. He's standing in front of her door and he feels like a nervous wreck but he has to do this because now he knows and he's sure now that she's the only one he wants and no one else will do and he can't make any more excuses.

She's standing in front of him and she looks so beautiful in one of the shirts he's left in her drawers that the words to let her know he and Zoey broke up just spilled out his mouth and it's like he loses control of his own self because the next thing he knows, he's kissing her on her couch and she's making all those sounds he loves and missed.

"Avan… Avan, stop." She whispers it, almost like she's scared and he understands why. "What are you doing?"

He doesn't reply and tries to start kissing her again but she won't let him.

"Avan." She sounds exasperated. "Do you know what you want now?"

He kisses her and answers with the sincerest "Yes, you".

"And you're not scared anymore?"

"No."

"What made you change your mind?"

"She wasn't you, Liz. You've always been the only one."

He takes her there again that night after so long and she feels the pleasure and the happiness and the satisfaction. And she feels so high because everything's so different yet still the same as before.

When they finish, he doesn't pull away and instead gives her kisses, kisses and more kisses and he's holding her in his arms so tight and he's staring at her and he's breathing her in and he too feels the pleasure and the happiness and the satisfaction because they feel so connected.

"I love you." He doesn't even realize what he's said until she freezes in his arms before relaxing and telling him she loves him too. He smiles and kisses her, then sits up to pull the blanket over them.

And this time the low doesn't come because he's hers and she's his again.

* * *

Yeah, I know it's sloppy and cheesy, especially the ending. I'm awful at tying things together. I'm sleepy. It's past 5AM omg I have to go to bed and have sweet bade/elavan dreams! I'll try to update ISYTB before I start college on the 7th of June! :)


End file.
